THE ISSUE
Our God has redeemed all things. It is done. Before the foundations of the world it was done,
but he is still helping us understand and own that redemption. The oppression of women within the
church and the world is a part of redemption that must still be owned. God is doing that in our day. There is a glorious vision of men and
women living and reigning together that God will give to us in the last days. In different parts of the world, the
oppression of women is quite clear whether it be a lack of voting rights,
sexual exploitation, or unequal rights in the marketplace. Most of our country and most of the
church in this country own these issues.
However, there are issues of oppression in our churches that are
directly from the heart of the enemy, but that we lack the eyes to see. In fact, there are many circles in
which this oppression is declared as a theological position. The Lord will see this changed. Women must be championed, empowered,
and set free.
The gospel if it is nothing else is freedom, and yet the
church is not a place of freedom for women. Jesus declared as central to his ministry the bringing of
liberty to the captives. (See Luke
4) Women are captive in the Body
and Jesus is setting them free, for “if the Son sets you free, you are free
indeed.” (John 8:36) My heart with
this issue is for men. The problem
rests with us. The scheme has been
the enemies, but we have all too often been the willing administrators of
oppression. These issues run deep
in the traditions of the church, and they are imbedded deep within the world
schema of most men. I myself have
held most, if not all, of the patterns and characteristics I feel called to
call out and change in the hearts of men.
Our God has a heart for his bride, and a heart for his brides, and it is
time for we men to own both his mind and heart when it comes to loving our
women. He is our standard, and
when we recognize that as a culture of men, women will be set free.
The battle being waged here is not centrally one of women in
ministry. Ministerial positions
are simply a subtopic. Women are
called to be teachers just as they are called to fulfill every office of the
church, but there is no Title IX program in the Kingdom of God. The fight is for hearts. In fact, I believe the main problem is
a lack of understanding of the grace of God. A more full revelation in men of the grace we have received
will inherently stir us up to lavish that same grace upon our brides. God’s vision and intention is not for
women to be over and above men, but to in reality be co-laborers with
them. Many of us have talked
about women laboring with men and championed equality, but I have not seen a
place where this issue is gone.
The Body of Christ has not received redemption in this area, so even if
you think you are a champion for women I can guarantee there are new depths God
wants to call you to. The problem
here is cultural and it runs much closer to the heart of our understanding of
God than we know. It is not a
secondary topic, one that can be compromised on, or avoided all together. The Body of Christ cannot be healthy
until men and women are restored to unity. Half of a body is not what Christ has asked to marry, nor
will half a body effectively overwhelm the kingdom of darkness. Men and women reigning together – that
is God’s original vision and He has not changed His mind!
WHAT ABOUT PAUL?
I hate bickering about scripture, but there are many people in
the church who know how to do little else. I also understand that if there is
resistance in anyone to what I have said so far, it is rooted in a particular
reading of scripture. I also
understand that in order for any aspect of what I have to say to take hold,
this wall must be broken down with the help of the Holy Spirit. If you don’t like what I’ve said so far,
these are the weapons you are preparing to wield: 1 Timothy 2:11-15, 1 Cor.
14:34-35, and 1 Cor. 11:3-16.
There are certainly other passages you could attempt to bludgeon me into
submission with but these are the ones I would like to address. I know this way of thinking because
I’ve owned it, and thus I know the method for wielding it. I subsequently believe I can
effectively cripple it, or at least soften the sting. Before we begin looking specifically at these texts, I will
open the sparring. Galatians 3:28
reads, “There is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ
Jesus.” The same Paul who writes
this also writes the passages we will be discussing. I would suggest to you before starting that the clubs listed
above all come from Paul speaking about a particular issue in a specific
church. The weapon I carry is
rather a central, heart-issue to our understanding of the gospel, and of our
God! Another way to think about it
is that one speaks of a heavenly reality, while the others address earthly
realities. I am thus coming to
this subject with the understanding that we are to pray and live in order to
see God’s will done on earth as it is in heaven.
Here are the texts:
“Let a woman learn in silence with all submission. And I do not permit a woman to teach or
to have authority over a man, but to be in silence. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the
woman being deceived fell into transgression. Nevertheless she will be saved in childbearing if they
continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control.” – 1 Timothy 2:11-15
“Let your women keep silent in the churches, for they are
not permitted to speak; but they are to be submissive, as the law also
says. And if they want to learn
something, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is shameful for
women to speak in church.” 1 Cor. 14:34-35
“But I want you to know that the head of every man is
Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. Every man praying or prophesying,
having his head covered, dishonors his head. But every woman who prays or prophesies with her head
uncovered dishonors her head, for that is one and the same as if her head were
shaved. For if a woman is not
covered, let her also be shorn.
But if it is shameful for a woman to be shorn or shaved, let her be
covered. For a man indeed ought
not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the
glory of man. For man is not from
woman, but woman from man. Nor was
man created for the woman, but woman for the man. For this reason the woman ought to have a symbol of
authority on her head, because of the angels. Nevertheless, neither is man independent of woman, nor woman
independent of man, in the Lord.
For as woman came from man, even so man also comes through woman; but
all things are from God. Judge
among yourselves. Is it proper for
a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long
hair, it is a dishonor to him? But
if a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her; for her hair is given to her
for a covering. But if anyone
seems to be contentious, we have no such custom, nor do the churches of
God.” 1 Cor. 11:3-16
Let us take the first two texts together. I want to suggest that most of us who
would use these texts to argue for keeping women out of ministry or something
of the like really don’t agree with the majority of what is being said. It is more the spirit behind these
texts that is used to make a case.
Look at the Timothy text. I
believe most people would only want to take one phrase from this selection, “I
do not permit a woman to teach or to be in authority over a man.” The problem you will run into at this
point is that if you want to take this and make it a conclusive statement about
women’s position in the church than I am going to make you take the whole
thing. Thus, if you want to say
women can’t teach than I want you to know that Paul in the same breath, the
same sentence even, also commands them to be silent and tells us that women are
saved through childbirth and that only if their kids turn out
well. In other words, if you want
to use this text, I want to tell you that if I come to your church I’d better
not hear any women talking, and in fact, I’d better hear you preaching two
different messages. You can preach
to the men that their salvation was purchased by the cross of Christ, and then
tell women that they are in danger of going to hell if they don’t have kids and
raise them well. The reason I
include the Corinthians 14 text with this one is simply that I believe if you
read it there may be nothing within it (besides perhaps a reference to
submission) that you can literally take as a direction without banning women
from ever uttering a noise in church.
A further problem with this thinking is that in many churches where
women are still restricted there is also a huge push to go, “outside the
walls.” The American church is
beginning to own the understanding that the church is not a building but
people, everywhere that they go.
Thus, these churches should literally be telling their women that they
must be mute the rest of their lives, because they are always in the church,
but are not permitted to speak in the church! You can see the predicament here!
Now with regards to the chapter 11 text I could use a
similar approach and ask why Christian women everywhere aren’t running around
with shawls over their head (I do realize that in some places they are). However, I would like to dig a little
deeper into this text. The popular
part of this passage is, “the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is
man, and the head of Christ is God.”
Though I don’t necessarily believe this is true as most people
understand it, I would like to run with the assumption that it is completely
accurate. When we do this we see
that God is head of Jesus as Jesus is head of men as men are head of women. Philippians 2:9 tells us that God as
the head of Jesus, “has exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every
name.” (See also Ephesians
1:20) Ephesians 2:6 then tells us
that Jesus as the head of men (in reality this is true of men and women),
“raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in
Christ Jesus.” I think it is clear
here to see the pattern of headship in God’s understanding. Headship is about lifting up that which
you are head over. Paul even
writes similar things in this very passage saying, “woman is the glory of
man.” Since when does it make
sense
to minimize and downplay the significance and role of that which
is your glory?
We could continue deconstructing things, but the point to be
made here is that we must be careful to understand our presuppositions with
regard to scripture. They are very
often illogical and even ludicrous.
The Bible is a tool with which God has designed to reveal to us His
heart, but once we understand his heart it is to be read through the lens of
that heart. Thus any
interpretation of scripture that takes away the freedom of one of God’s
children is sure to be incorrect, and can be discarded. The Bible whether we want to admit it
or not has a context, it is a document wrapped up in time, even if it has
eternal significance and authority.
Our God on the other hand is unchanging, eternal, and the Living Word
that must be the final authority in all we think and do. It is more important to ask the Father
what he thinks than it is to try and figure out what Paul did.
IN THE BEGINNING
Jesus has redeemed us from a fall, which means the place
from which we fell was a good one.
“In the beginning,” things were very good. Thus, “in the beginning” is a perfect place to start in
determining our destination. “In
the beginning,” God created man and it was not good for man to be alone.
(Genesis 2:18) Man had no suitable “helper,” which is a word that is used most
often in reference to God. Man did
not need an assistant, God could have used dogs for that. Man needed a partner, a best friend, a
soulmate, a lover. It was then
that God put man to sleep, removed his rib, and made woman out of it. Woman, the one who could fulfill the
role of walking side by side with Adam, was made from his side. Then, and only then, did God bless them
saying, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion
over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living
thing that moves on the earth.”
Dominion was given by God to men and women together. Man did not just receive it, nor did
they receive it separately, in different roles, or different increments. Power from God is given to unified man
and woman. They were both naked
and not ashamed because they were one flesh! (See Genesis 2:24-25)
THE RAMIFICATIONS OF CURSES
Unfortunately this beautiful unified Eden was destroyed by
Satan’s deception of Eve and Adam’s subsequent disobedience. I would point out here that when God
spoke of not eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge only Adam was around. Eve knows about this rule, but only
from her husband, thus Eve’s deception was to heed the voice of Satan over that
of her husband but Adam’s disobedience was to heed the voice of Eve over the
voice of God. (See Genesis 3:17) I
am not saying here that men are eternally more guilty than women, but that this
account in Genesis and Paul’s attestation of the gospel both indicate that sin
came into the world through Adam. (See Romans 5:12) Either way, humanity fell, and there were consequences of
that fall; that is natural consequences which
affected the relationship between man and woman. After they eat, they are suddenly ashamed to be naked around
each other. Satan has wedged a bar
of separation between Adam and Eve.
The fall destroys relationship, relationship with God and with people,
but God has redeemed the fall.
Relationship has been restored, now me must walk in restored
relationships. I believe we see
the beginning of the seeds of oppression of women in Genesis 3:12. Adam says, “The woman whom You gave to
be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.” At that moment man first violated covenant with his
wife. Adam stepped out from a
position of love and unity with his wife, distanced her from himself, and
attempted to place the guilt and shame he felt in himself on top of his
wife. We men have been doing this
on a mass scale ever since!
These are the ramifications of the fall that we see happen
just from the course of eating the fruit, but there are also curses issued by
God. Woman’s curse places her in
the sole role of mother and wife, a motherhood that is painful and a marriage
that makes her a second-class citizen. (See Genesis 3:16) Man on the other hand is cursed to
produce and gather food that will resist him in being gathered. (See genesis
3:17-19) Here in these curses we see the first hint of a separation of duties
between men and women. Here for
the first time we see the format for men in the marketplace and women at
home. Here for the first time we
see a painful, divided existence for both man and woman. It is the curse that brings men and
women different roles, and the curse that puts man over woman. Praise be to God we have been redeemed
from the curse! (See Galatians 3:13)
The church has for too long claimed Jesus’ defeat of other curses that
were over humanity while neglecting these ones. While we have championed men being over women and having
separate functions in life, God has been saying that He died so as to set us
free from this curse. We are free
to return to the unified co-reigning world of Eden. Revelation 22:3 shows us the beautiful picture of the place
where, “ . . . there shall be no more curse, but the throne of God and of the
Lamb shall be in it . . .” What
does this practically mean for us?
As I see it, it means that men are not to rule over their wives, we are
not in a position above them in any regard. Secondly, it means that we can no longer cop out of this
issue by saying that women are called to be good moms and men are called to
minister in the church. It is not
true, and such concepts have destroyed both the family and the church. We are free to be unified!
There is another curse that we sometimes forget about, and
one that I do not believe has been broken. It is the curse over satan and it reads, “I will put enmity
between you and the woman, and between your seed and her Seed; He shall bruise
your head, and you shall bruise His heel.” (Genesis 3:15) The main curse over satan is
women! Many times we read this
text as kind of a neutral description of spiritual warfare as mankind battles
satan. It is not neutral, and it
never was a curse for men or women, it was the curse for satan. I believe that with this declaration
God gave spiritual authority specifically to women to destroy the works of the
devil. Remember that Eve was
deceived. In my experience with
deception, there is little that makes a person so angry as being tricked. I believe there is a seed of righteous
wrath within women that makes them an enemy to our enemy that men will never
be. It is thus that I believe
satan has so intentionally attacked and oppressed them. I mentioned before a plan of the enemy
that men have been the pawns to carry out. This is it, and it most certainly is a strategic plan. Satan is a lot of things, but dumb is
not one of them. Women are the
ones destined to destroy him, the ones declared to be his chief enemy, and thus
he has done everything in his power to keep them from walking in their rightful
authority over him. It is time for
this curse to be fulfilled as women are released into the fullness of their
destiny!
MEN – COVENANT LEADERS
I want to make a distinction here with regard to the roles
of men and women. I am not saying
that men and women are completely identical; I am saying that many of the ways
we have thought about those roles are serving to disempower women. The common understanding of marriage in
the church is that women are to submit and men are to lead. I would not completely disagree with
this, but I would certainly argue that we do not understand at all what this
means, and that some of our language should be set aside. Women are indeed told to submit to
their husbands in Ephesians 5:22 and elsewhere. However, it must be noted that immediately before Paul tells
women to submit to their husbands, he tells all believers to submit to each
other
(see Eph. 5:21). “All
believers” would tend to include husbands submitting to wives. Now is there truth to women
submission? I think so, but our
understanding of this has been far too simplistic and very often
inaccurate. Very often submission
of the wife has led to foolish ideas of God’s desire to direct a family through
the husband, as in, where the man wants to go everybody goes. It has led people to talk about things
like “master, mission, mate,” an idea that says that for men the mission should
be more important than their mate, but for women the opposite should be
true. This is completely untrue
and unbiblical. This is not what
it means for a woman to submit!
How do I know? Because it
is not what it looks like for a man to love as Christ.
There was a standard set for men in Genesis 2:24, way back,
“In the beginning,” (which if you remember is a good place to go for answers),
that has been forgotten and abandoned by Christian men. The standard reads, “Therefore a man
shall leave his father and mother and be joined to this wife, and they shall
become one flesh.” This verse
tells us how the union of man and woman is supposed to happen. Fundamentally it says, a man is
supposed to leave his former life to be joined to his wife. That is the divine precedent for the
marriage covenant but for all of human history the opposite has been
practiced. Women have been
expected to leave all to join their husbands. In different times and places that has meant leaving their
families, but at present in the church it means leaving their dreams and
desires. Women are told that
submission looks like putting their dreams and vision under that of their
husband. I am telling you that the
Bible says the opposite! Men are
to put aside that which they have known, including their dreams and
vision, when they come into union
with their wives.
Thus, I want to say that men are indeed leaders in the
marriage relationship. Men are to
lead the way in covenant! A
covenant is an agreement I make with someone wherein their behavior does not
effect my commitment to the agreement.
God is the originator of covenant, and never once does a covenant
between God and humanity happen without God establishing it. The one time David tried to do it with
his temple idea God actually got kind of offended, and turned the tables on
David! (See 2 Samuel 7) When we
start thinking about covenant we start getting close to God’s heart for men and
husbands.
I only love God because He loved me; I only honor Him
because He has shown me honor; I am only able to submit myself to Him because
He submitted Himself under my destiny of destruction on the cross. It is with this understanding that we
must understand the leadership of men.
Paul writes, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the
church and gave Himself for her.” (Ephesians 5:25) The question for all men: have I given myself, have I left
myself behind? If you have spent
any time obeying the culture of the church, the answer is no! All over the church, women’s dreams are
being undervalued; God-given destinies are being minimized in the name of
submission. Men who are supposed
to give themselves so as to lift up their wives have put their agendas ahead of
their wives in the name of leadership!
Let us remember Jesus who was, “in the form of God,” with God from
before the beginning of time, with angels ministering to him continually, and
he left it behind to “come in the likeness of men.” (See Philippians
2:5-7) Jesus gave up heaven for
his bride, and husbands in the church can’t seem to find it in them to give up
their ministry plan! We do not
have the heart of Christ as Groom.
The heart of Christ as Groom endured the cross for the joy set before
Him, which was His bride (Hebrews 12:2).
Men must catch the vision of the joy set before them. This joy is the fullness of unity with
their brides, the fullness of co-reigning men with women, the fullness of
Eden. Men looking for wives
in the church often ask questions that look like, “What woman would be most effective
in helping me with my ministry?”
Instead we ought to be on the watch for the woman for whom we can gladly
set aside our life, our dreams, and our passions so as to fuel hers!
Perfect love casts out fear, and perfect love is covenantal
in nature. Covenant casts out fear
and breeds freedom. When God makes
a covenant with mankind, men are set free to be who they were all along. Jesus came to testify to the truth! In other words, he came to tell us what
was already a reality; he came to show us the glory of who we were. This is the responsibility of men of
God! By leading the way in
covenant we are called to cast out fear and breed freedom in all of our relationships,
primarily with our wives. The
beautiful truth of covenant though is that it is not about having a pity party
or being the martyr. Just as much
as we don’t need men leading their wives from above neither do we need them
leading from below. God’s heart is
not for the current situation to switch, but for women to be released into
their destinies as “co-reigners” with their husbands.
SHARING AUTHORITY
The reality of the world presently is that men own the
authority. God gave them
that authority in a curse, and though it has been broken, men have still not
learned how to give it away. However, authority and power most definitely lies with men in
our present world. This means that
in order for women to walk in authority with men, it must be given to them by men. Much of what has happened in churches who have a heart to
empower women is to state an openness to women in ministry, but not to give
them the actual authority to be successful. Thus, we end up with women who either just get stuck in rote
responsibilities, or women who force themselves into positions of leadership
only to fail. The giving of
responsibility without authority only sets women up for a collision with an
institutional ceiling. Women are
either forced to accept a compromised position or force their way into places
of influence by becoming something they are not. This issue reaches further
than just women and is rooted in a twisted understanding of leadership. We must
change the culture of contention for authority in the church. Authority is meant to be given away. God is looking for men, and men as
leaders, who will pray this prayer: “God, I want to give my authority away, and
if you give me more, I will give that away too!” Only a culture of empowerment will see women set free to
succeed and to offer what God has given them to the betterment of the Kingdom.
I
can say all of this, and it sounds very nice, but there are practical barriers
that give us negative experiences that can often skew our heart on this
issue. For example, I used to
believe that women shouldn’t teach because every woman teacher I had ever heard
was horrible. Praise God, I have
now seen and heard women at their best, but I had used those experiences to
confirm my presupposition that women weren’t supposed to be in those positions. Another thing that often gets used to
resist the empowerment of women is that many women don’t want authority or
certain positions within the church.
I have heard countless men say that they would empower women if women
weren’t scared of it. My response
to this is, “Of course they are scared of it!” Much of what they have ever seen of women stepping into
leadership is pain and shame, and we expect them to want to step into it.
I want to take some time to paint a picture of what life in
the church has been for many women.
Imagine for a moment a football team. The coach comes to his team at the beginning of the season
and declares his great optimism with regard to the season. He praises those he sees as star
players and expresses his belief that the team has the best starting line-up in
the league. He then makes some
side comments with regards to the bench players. He tells them that they are
still vitally important to the success of the team, but that they shouldn’t
expect any playing time. The
season continues and his prediction of no playing time for the bench holds
true. The stars continue to get
more and more attention. They are
first in line for help from the trainers, first in line for all of the
equipping drills, and first in line for one-on-one time with the coach. Meanwhile, the bench can get all of these
benefits if and only if there are time and resources left over after the others
get through with them. Imagine now
that you are one of these bench players, under-appreciated, under-equipped and
armed only with powerless, empty praise and you are called on to go in and win
a game. How likely are you to
succeed in that position, how excited are you to go in that game?! Now, I know there are some rare gems
who would be able to be the underdog, seize the moment, and defy all odds, but
they are the exception. We do have a handful of women who have successfully
navigated the mine-field of church leadership and entered positions of true
authority. However, most of our
wives and daughters are not those women.
Women are meant to reign with men and if they are unable to do that,
regardless of the situation, it is men’s responsibility to make that a
possibility.
I’ve said it, but I will say it again, authority was meant
to be given away. Peter was given
authority as the “Rock”of the church, and was then commissioned by Jesus to
feed that authority to His sheep. (See Matthew 16:18 and John 21:15-19) If you have authority your assumption
should be that you are called to give it away. Like many things in the kingdom the more we give authority
the more we get. It is for this
reason that empowering women doesn’t look like reversing roles, if men give
authority they won’t lose it, they will only get more. In fact, I believe that the
reality of the world right now is that women have more honor and authority in heaven
than do men, even if that is not true on earth. 1 Peter 3:7 commands men to honor their wives, “that your
prayers may not be hindered.” In
other words God is saying, if you don’t
give your authority to your wife you forfeit your authority with Me. I have always wondered why so many more
women consider themselves to be intercessors than do men. The reason for this I believe is that
God has had to raise up the women in His church to pray because He won’t listen
to the prayers of His men. This is a very scary and humbling reality for us
men. I don’t care what position
you have in ministry, if you aren’t fully honoring your wife it may very well
be in response to your wife’s prayers that God is pouring blessing onto you
andyou’re your own. When I was in
prayer over this and received this revelation it broke my heart for the present
church, and gave me great hope for the church once the prayers of men are no
longer being hindered. It is
interesting to see that because of its nature as “behind-the-scenes,”
intercession has been one area where women have been left to flourish. It is time that men learned to honor
women by sharing authority with them.
It is for a shared dominion that we were created.
I want to take some time here to honor the faithfulness of
women! As a group of people
through history women have been far more successful in walking faithfully with
God than have men. They have been
told by authority figures that to submit to their husbands means to relinquish
their dreams. They have been told
by authority figures that they aren’t supposed to have authority. They have been told that their ministry
should be in the house and their husband’s out in the world. They have been told all this and have
said, “Whatever is pleasing to God!”
Oh the humble heart of women, the heart that knows not what it is to be
tainted by striving.
Unfortunately, due to men’s inability to give authority and the forced
nature of the feminine movement, many women are beginning to learn
what it looks like to strive and compete for everything. The kingdom is not a place of
self-preservation though, and women have as a group shown that better than
anyone! Women have submitted themselves
to the authority of men, and it is time they get what’s coming to them. God says to us, “Humble yourselves
under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time.” (1 Peter
5:6) He says, “Humble yourselves
in the sight of the Lord, and he will lift you up!” (James 4:10.)
Humility in the Kingdom of God is supposed to be followed by
exaltation. Such has not been the
case with regards to women submitting to men. The verse that God used to change my life and shift
completely my paradigms for understanding women was John 14:12 in which Jesus
tells his disciples that they will do greater things than Him. I have claimed that verse as a mantra
for my life, that Jesus has loved me, empowered, and released me to do greater
things than Him. However, until
one day while walking through the mountains of Montana I had never thought to
do that for my bride. My
conversation with the Lord that day looked something like this:
Jesus:
Andrew, I have empowered you, as my bride,
to do greater things than I did on earth, right?
Me: Yes
Jesus:
Have you been doing that with your bride?
My
world was turned upside down. Men,
our women have been more faithful to us than we have been to Christ, and it is
time for us to share authority with them, ask them to forgive us, and lead the
way into united covenant living for the Kingdom of God.
VISION FOR MARRIAGE MINISTRY
As I’ve caught God’s heart for these things there have
needed to be some very practical, very real actions taken on my part to free my
wife. Everyone’s story is
different, but I believe that most husbands in the church have a wife who has
been wounded in the area of dreams.
My wife, for example, wanted throughout high school and into college
when we met, to go to South America as a missionary. Even as we met, dated, and got married that desire was very
much still an integral part of her.
Unfortunately though, it was not a desire that I shared, and it was
assumed by the culture of the church when we got married that my dreams were
God’s dreams for us. She thus
attempted to relinquish her dream of missions and we began trying to live and
dream together. However, there has
until recently been some sense of disunity with regards to where that would
take us. It has definitely felt
like I’ve been dictating big decisions and that is because, despite my best
efforts to be united, I was. My
wife was so wounded by unfulfilled dreams that she struggled to be free enough
to dream again. The pain of losing
dreams was something akin to watching a part of her die, and the effect was
crippling. Her past experience
told her that her dreams were less important than mine. Thus, even when I encouraged her to
dream the nagging fear always existed that if our dreams failed to match hers
would take a backseat once again.
One
of those big decisions we just made was to move to Minneapolis in order to
start ministry. In this move, she
most definitely expressed that it was her desire to move and be here. Though in hindsight, things didn’t feel
right, I simply decided to take her word for it. That is, until one day recently when my wife and I were
driving and talking in the car about empowering women. As we talked, I was very strongly moved
by the Holy Spirit to tell her that all she needed to do was say “go” and we
would move to South America to do missions. After wrestling with the Lord on this for about two silent
minutes in my head, I realized that I could offer this to her and mean it. I wanted to empower her dream in that
way. Upon doing this, some interesting
things happened. This pronouncement was somewhat stunning to her. Not surprisingly such a position of
power with regards to our future was even intimidating for her. However as the two of us sought the
Lord over the next couple of days God worked on my heart a real passion and
interest in South America and worked in hers the revelation of her lack of
closure with regards to this dream.
There was regret she had lived with and couldn’t release even with a
husband, beautiful baby boy, and much blessing from God where we were. On top of this, she carried shame in
even thinking about her regrets.
Until she was freed by my words to discover her heart with regards to
this dream she was unable to move on, let alone to dream again. God revealed to her that although South
America was still a desire for her, it wasn’t any longer her dream to go there
now or to live there for an extended time. This freedom between her and the Lord in regards to mission
and dreams has now allowed her to own more fully what is becoming our dream for Minneapolis in a way that
submission to me as husband never could.
So, just as I was feeling ready to pack my bags and get out of the snow,
God brought us into a position of newly passionate unity in our ministry and
life here in Minnesota. Now I, for
maybe the first time, have a free “helper” in what God has called us to do and
what fun it promises to be. This
is the kind of vulnerability it will take for men to lead the way in covenant
and to share their authority. We
must help pull the dreams out of the women in our lives because all too often
they have been concealed by wounds.
Some times calling out their dreams may mean being willing to lay ours
down.
When husbands begin to lay down their lives and leave their
pasts behind for their wives they will begin to see for the first time the
fullness of “one flesh.” God has
placed beautiful, dreaming hearts in men and women and He desires to see all
people fulfilled in their dreams.
Thus, there is a divine and mystical exchange that is designed to happen
in marriage called, “one flesh.”
This is not only a sexual reference, or a reference to the intimate ways
in which you grow to know a spouse, but actually the miraculous truth that two
messy, complicated people are knit together as one. Not only that, but this one will always be greater than the
two. Involved in this exchange are
dreams, vision, and hopes for the future.
When two people are willing to authentically submit their everything to
each other the result will always be an increase. The dreams my wife and I are currently developing and
walking out for our future are greater than anything we would have dreamed
apart. I had to lay down my
dreams, as did she, but in the end we are both finding our hearts coming alive
with new and incredible vision that we now have a committed partner to share
in. Any area of our marriages
where half of what should be the “one flesh” is dictating the direction and
substance of what defines the couple there is a problem. God is not into the business of natural
contracts where there is compromise, but supernatural covenants where we
receive all and then some.
I know Paul said he would prefer people to be single, but he
didn’t take that up with God first.
God doesn’t mind people being single, and he in fact, as Paul accurately
says, gives people a gift for singleness on occasion.(See 1 Cor. 7) However, unless you are given a
special gift God’s design is for you to be married. That means that God desires for most of the men in the world
to be married to women and vice-versa.
This is a revelation the church as a whole owns pretty well, but the
revelation they don’t own is that married people are not designed to do
ministry without their spouse.
When we are married, the two become one flesh. In fact, we men are missing a part of us that was taken out
to make our wives. Without each
other we are not whole people.
Thus, any strategy or structure for church leadership that showcases
half a person as a leader cannot be completely effective. The church will not
step into the fullness purchased by Christ until women are properly honored. The same verse that warns men that
their prayers will not be answered if they do not honor their wives refers to
women as heirs with their husbands of the grace of life. As I was reading that a while back God
told me that he wouldn’t give me my inheritance apart from my wife. We will not be given the grace needed
to step into our destinies as long as the team that was meant to be one is
divided in two. It is a symptom of
the illness of the church that the leaders we can name, whether men or women,
seldom are associated with their same leading spouse. I am encouraged though to see that many big names in the
world of worship are married couples making music together. I believe this is a prophetic promise
from God of what is to come in every facet and arena of the church.
Men Coming Alive in the Home
When I say every facet I must include the home. Something I need to make clear is that
despite my emphasis of men’s need to give authority to women in the church, the
opposite is also true. As documented
in Genesis 3, in the same way that women were cursed to have men rule over
them, they were also given authority and dominion over the house and
children. The separation which
came as a result of the fall led not only to men gaining power and authority in
the world, but also women gaining those same things within the household. This too is an authority that needs to
be shared in equity! Just as much
as women are being under-empowered in the workings of the church, men are still
being under-empowered in the workings of the family. I constantly find myself talking to men in and out of the
church who are very passionate about being good fathers, very sincere in their
efforts to be husbands, but feel ill-equipped and insecure in their abilities
to do so. There are many fathers
in our churches that have it as a theological position that the thing they are
to offer is financial security for their families. Just as women have been talked to like bench players in
church authority, many men are just trying to eek out a passing grade as a
father and husband. It is even
more acceptable for women to joke and make fun of men’s inability as fathers
and caretakers in the home than it is for men to make jokes of the same nature
with regards to women’s roles outside the home. I myself, who am a man that would think himself very
equipped to cook, clean, raise kids, and love my wife, (I actually taught my
wife how to cook) have realized my own lack of authority in the home. When it comes to caring for our infant
son the two of us are very close to equals. I do all the same things she does besides breastfeeding, but
I have noticed a tendency in myself to ask for a form of permission and
approval as to what needs to be done.
For example, before changing his clothes or diaper, putting him to bed,
or down for a nap I have caught myself asking her what to do or whether she
thinks I should do something, even when I know exactly what I want to do and
what needs to be done. This has
been a subtle tendency in me, and something I have for the most part overlooked
but the Lord has revealed to me the roots of insecurity and lack of authority
which lay under such behavior.
Women too must catch a vision for lending authority to their
husbands. When this happens not
only will the church step into greater fullness, but broken families will be
healed, and trends of divorce, missing fathers, and workaholic dads will be
halted.
Family Ministry
I will thus end with a glimpse into an even bigger aspect of
God’s vision for the church. For
as much as I must champion marriage ministry, I do so because God’s heart is in
the end for “family ministry.” I
mentioned the lie earlier of men needing to be most concerned about mission and
outward church things, while women need to be focused on mate and inward family
things. I will say here that
women, like Mary, have chosen the better part. God’s vision for life is nowhere Master, Mission, Mate. Contrary, it is always Master, Mate,
Mission for every person, every where.
God’s command to mankind was first to be fruitful and multiply, followed
by instruction to have dominion over the world. Men and women together are to be in covenant first with God,
second with family, and lastly with outward community. We must honor outside relationships and
God is calling his children to realize what honor and faithfulness mean in
regard to community, but we must first honor our families. Honor flows from heaven and it is meant
to have a trickle down within families from generation to generation. There is a reason the first church was
comprised of many homes, and I believe God is restoring homes as churches. Men have been given the honor of
leading the way in covenant in their homes and as that happens entire families
will be equipped and set free as Kingdom carrying men and women reigning and
co-reigning with each other and God.
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